We had a party.  It was on our 28th wedding anniversary, and we were celebrating our fiftieth birthdays too.  We are both a little anxious – we overthink things.  If we are having a party, it must be as convenient as possible for our guests.   The garden must be incredibly tidy and beautiful.  And we must have an excellent time.  It all seemed too much to do, and overwhelmed, we decided to not have a party.  And then the bank wrote to us, telling us we’d been overcharged for years, on a monthly basis, so here’s a cheque and soz.  So we had a budget.  Why not have a party?  Tom threw together some invitations, and we started issuing them.  We bought a party tent.  We had the ivy chopped off the rocks in the garden.  We did lots of gardening and looked hopelessly around us, thinking HOW? What have we done?!

And then I hired a street food van that served Sri Lankan food.  And a dance floor.  And an ice cream van.  It became something we were looking forward to, because we had very little to do but welcome our guests, and dance.  The day before, Tom and I raised our party marquee.  He had a bad back and I had a bad elbow, but we did it.  I hauled eight hay bales in and sat them round the fire pit.  Our next door neighbour, who likes parties and likes making things lovely, came in with a wheelbarrow of vines and decorated the marquee.

I looked around the garden and picked up the stray flowerpots and years old garbage in the undergrowth for the inevitable trip to the tip.  On the skeleton of a cut down Leylandii at the front of the house, there was a rickety old slide which Tom fixed there thirteen years ago.  It was held on with one very rusty screw which had to be hammered hard, in order to remove it.  It should have been taken away years ago.  Its metal had buckled and pushed up the plastic, making it impossible to use.  We removed it, and tied it into the car with a piece of string one of the girls had attached to it when they were little.

At the tip, I put everything into the various containers, and put the slide in last.  I was walking away, when I realised, suddenly, that I hadn’t said goodbye.  I went back.  Nearly took it out and brought it home.  I stroked it a little.  Patted it.  Around me, people were racing around on a late summer day, merrily tossing things that crashed into the deep skips.  A lady stood next to me and said ‘I’ve just put our pushchair into there.’ We looked at each other sadly, and nodded respectfully to our discarded instruments.

On the way home, I thought of the third birthday when that slide arrived twenty three years ago.  We had an Early Learning Centre climbing frame, red and blue and green in the shape of a rocket, which had come for our son’s second birthday, a joint present from the whole family.  The slide came the next year – we bought it, because our fortunes had grown a tiny little bit.  All four of our children used that climbing frame and slide as their other home.  They each sat on top of it for whole summers, reading Asterix and Tintin books, and when a book finished, they’d slip down a side, grabbing at the bar above, and in one movement, land on the top of the slide and slip quickly down, sometimes on their bottoms, sometimes on their feet, running in for the next book, the next apple.

On the night of the party Tom and I danced and laughed and held hands and were photographed, so that  we could remember it all: it was really so very wonderful to have so many beautiful friends with us.  One was missing, thrown out.  Occasionally, I saw its ghost, over there at the far end of the garden.

I could hear the noise that slide made as the feet ran down, echoing to me.  I could see its sturdy bounce.  It travelled through all our houses, a witness to our hard work and growing fortunes.  It served our children well. It was a friend. A household God.  Like all Gods, it was quiet in its outcomes, steady in its presence through our years.  We’ll buy another, when the grandchildren come.  I’d like to hear that noise in our garden again.  I will treat it better.  Make it last – for the rest of my days, at least.  I don’t think I can take another slide to its end.  It was very hard.


When we were kids, Tom and I were known for our professorial pronouncements, our willingness to learn doctrines of literature, languages, records of sportsmanship and musicians.  We were a little overwhelming with our facts.  In the seventies, it was alright to laugh at nerds.  It was alright to punch them.  Our elder siblings to a lesser or greater extent, did so, and in doing so, I think did us an enormous favour.

We have been climbing a mountain every day for the past fortnight.  We went to the Greek island of Santorini and stayed in the cheap part – Perissa.  Behind the hotel was a mountain which took forty minutes to climb, it said in the guide book.  At the top was the ancient city of Thira.  Our first day, we took forty five minutes to climb up the first stretch, getting used to walking in thirty degree sunshine, and finding our feet on the rocky pathway.  At the end of the fortnight, it took us thirty minutes.  When we got to the top, we paid our four euros to clamber the 3rd century BC paving stones, and to marvel at the way the city was so perfectly perched, the small houses on top of one another, the amphitheatre with its three walkways which could seat 1,500 people, and the agora like a mini mall.

The fact is…our love for each other is never stronger than when we are physically pushing ourselves to get to a place where we can learn and marvel and imagine and delight in history and architecture.  Being punched for being clever made us even cleverer.  It also made us run faster and stay fitter.

After we had taken our morning up the mountain, we would head for the beach with our teenaged daughters, and lie on sun beds reading books, punctuated by long swims in the sea.  We have read, between us, 15 books over the past fortinght – bliss.  We ran out toward the end, and found that we had to hire a car and go see the island.  In Oia, the picturesque part of Santorini, with the white buildings and blue domes, we walked listlessly through little corridors of jewellery shops and silk shops, until the fifteen year old cried out as if she had stumbled upon treasure: a bookshop.  Atlantis Books, covered in quotes by worthy authors, and a hand-painted rail that says ‘The kindle won’t destroy books the way elevators didn’t destroy staircases’ on a stairway leading into its trove.  A cave-like place no bigger than someone’s boxroom, lined with the juiciest, most delicious wares.  Our hearts beat faster.

We enquired after books about the Ancients, and chatted with the owners about authors and people we knew in common, about our loves, our hates, our brushes with the famous.  We looked at their first editions, and read an actual letter from T S Eliot in the back of a first edition of his Four Quartets.  My, we had a ball.  As we were leaving, the seventeen year old said – ‘on this whole trip, because of the way you brought us up, it is this – this place, that has given me the biggest adrenalin rush’.

Geeks are not born, they are made.I know this, because I bred four mini Factoiders.  When we were children, Tom and I wore our geekiness like the tattered, raggedy coats of Victorian beggar children: always putting our bowls out for more, and scared of showing our true natures.  When we found each other, we married those minds and that identity into something invincible and unshakeable, so that our children wear their knowledge and their love of knowledge like the arrogant cloaks of Princes.  We’re back to work now, and climbing that mountain every day has made us understand our work better than we did before. Reading those books, too. Being with each other and our girls probably helped.  Atlantis bookshop could have been on top of the mountain: it was as real as Ancient Thira to us, because of its architecture, its joy, but also because our trait is to imagine.  Knowledge makes you walk faster, makes you understand the deeper world.  Our geekdom is our fiefdom. We’re glad of it.

Kilim Carpet

We’ve had one of those brilliant weekends which brings everything into focus.  I have a significant birthday coming, and the two older children were born at the beginning and the end of August, so we all gathered here on Friday. We spent Saturday making food, eating food, and then around a campfire with a ukelele, a guitar and cake.  We are all inveterate singers.  We sing in the shower, sing in the car, sing when we’re together, sing when we’re on our own, walking down darkened streets in dangerous towns.  It could be because I was brought up a Methodist and sang to the children in the womb.  It could be because my husband was brought up by Wagner fanatics who sent him to orchestra bootcamps during his teen years.  Or that we both have an encyclopaedic musical knowledge (and collection), which starts with the first Blues recordings of the 1930s and spans the twentieth and twenty first centuries and the globe.  It could be that we just seem to have a good ear.  We are great harmonisers.  Favourite songs to sing are ‘You are my Sunshine’, a song my father sang to me when I was a little girl, and which I have sung to each of the four children, when they were babies.  We’re great at the harmonies on that.  Also, ‘I’ll Fly Away’, and ‘As I Went Down to the River to Pray’.  We had a lovely time.

The next day, my husband’s family were all arriving for our summer get together.  At 8am, we sat up in bed with cups of tea, surveying our day.  We had three hours to chop and cook and tidy. His sisters are not judgmental.  Or maybe they are and we don’t know it, but we don’t want it to happen, so we do everything within our ability to make our lives seem perfect, just as all families do.  As we sat there, I looked at the rug on the bedroom floor.  I said

‘I remember saying to you when we bought that rug – it won’t be a waste of money.  We’ll keep it forever.’  Tom laughed.

‘Did you have to make those sorts of assurances to me back then?’

Well, I think I did.  It was twenty-seven years ago.  We were on a make or break holiday to Turkey.  We were at the end of a very rocky first year of marriage.  We had been given some shares in Abbey National Building Society, and had sold them to my father-in-law in order to be able to afford a holiday.  Turkey – Fethiye, in fact – was the cheapest package deal we could find.  I don’t remember much about it, apart from staying in the most beautiful villa, the inherited home of an academic who served us two boiled eggs, a slab of Feta cheese and some black olives with bread and black Turkish tea for breakfast, solemnly and with great dignity, before getting on his moped to go to work at the university.  We would sit on the beach all day, and Tom got incredibly burned and woke up one night going deliriously mad with the itching and the rawness.

Our last day, we went shopping.  I’d seen the carpet on our first or second day, hanging outside the shop, and we had to walk around and around the small town Fethiye was back then, to find it again.  I had become obsessed with its patterns: the Christmas tree repetition like an Escher drawing,  in browns, beiges and creams was so sophisticated and different and was the beginning of my obsession with making a home that was bohemian and represented our mixing of cultures from around the world.  I wanted wooden floors, white walls, bookcases and this carpet.  That would be home, for me.  It cost more than we could afford.

‘I promise you we will have this carpet forever,’ I said to Tom.  We bought it, and also a painting from an antique store: a miniature that had been painted with a fine brush – our academic host told us it could have been a single hair in the brush, the picture was so fine. It is a picture in browns and purples and oranges of a Princess escaping in a fine carriage from court, in order to be with her true love.  The picture is over two pages, and her escape is from the frame of the first page, the horses of her carriage galloping onto the second page.  It hangs in an alcove in our wooden floored sitting room, between bookshelves which hang on white walls.

Our twenty-eighth year of marriage, we are sipping tea and laughing about that promise in a Turkish carpet shop, because we are still young, back there together, though our children sang with us around the campfire the night before: our twenty-six year old son who is wont to say things like ‘When I was living in China…’ or ‘when I taught on a Saudi Arabian army base…’, our twenty-four year old daughter who lives and works in London, our seventeen year old daughter and our fifteen year old daughter.  The years that have been sung by like three minute songs played on the radio seem not to have aged us, because we are the people we were, still looking at expensive purchases with the eye of forever – will it last?  Will it last as long as we are together?  If I promise another year and another eternity, shall we have it?

And that’s the joy, I think.  That’s been the joy for us.  We went to Turkey because we were nearly finished.  He had toured with his Blues band that year.  I had worked in the City.  We were going in different directions.  We were too young when we married.  We wanted different things.  In Turkey though, standing in a carpet shop, we both saw the house we live in now.  We saw the carpet in it.  We saw the singing, swearing, nutcase children.  We saw the garden and its fading roses and the ducks that knock the petals off and eat them. We saw the bed in which we sit and drink tea.  We saw that we would laugh at our maturity when we were twenty-five and twenty-three.  And now, we do laugh at that maturity, and tip our hats to it, and feel we are the same people, those people who made it all.



17 year olds

I have just watched a child’s video on her youtube channel.  Her theme is studying for exams and with her dyed hair and scarily insecure eyes, she enacts charades of procrastination, masturbation and other weird things ending in -tion.  I have watched a full thirty seconds before feeling uncomfortably like I was colluding in some weird form of self abuse.

It is only thirty three years ago that I was that age.  Yes, that is a lifetime, but also, in the scheme of things, it wasn’t that long ago.  We would do the skits she is doing in that video, to each other, while lying in beanbags in the sixth form common room, or on the floor of a bedroom or in a park.  She is doing it in front of a phone camera, by herself, in order to entertain people she has never met, who I guess, she feels as a pressure – a Gloria Swanson-style imagined audience of people mad for her.

I was trying to understand her.  She seems scared.  She seems desperate.  She seems sad.  She has that quaver in her voice – when we stand in front of an audience, or we’ve been called out by a parent for lying.  She looks happy.  I think: what are her parents thinking?  I mean – allowing her to have a youtube channel, allowing this amount of time to be spent on something as strange and nuts.  I am thinking of writing in the comments: ‘Read a book!’

I have just watched the thirty seconds of this because…she is a girl who has just started a rumour about one of my girls.  My girl is strong. My girl achieves. She is brave. She is cool.  She walks through the world in charge of her life and confident in her choices. She is private. She has a core group of friends who she protects and who protect her.  She has a cool boyfriend.  They both wear black to parties, but come home early from said parties to read piles of Asterix books and eat sausage rolls in bed.

When she tells me about the rumour (and it is unpleasant), I become Medieval in my outlook.  I don’t know who the girl is, but I want to go round there and take my flip flop off and slap her round the chops.  I want to challenge her to a dual.  I want to…but my girl says – ‘I don’t bloody care’.  It occurs to me that I am outraged for the wrong reasons.  Of course, there is the potential hurt my girl might feel – that’s bringing out the tigress stuff.  But what outrages me more is the insidiousness of the accusation.

Teenagers are essentially Victorian in their morals.  And when I say Victorian, I mean with the hypocrisy that that implies.  They sleep around, take the drugs, do the worst things, but are then the first to point the finger, start the rumour, besmirch a good name.  The rumour about my girl is that she was ‘seeing’ a boy when he was going out with the youtuber.  It’s not true.  Of course it’s not.  She was at home, studying.  She was working on speeches for her role as Deputy Head Girl.  She was sleeping mostly.  She only started partying once exams were over.  And even then, it was with her boyfriend. But the thing is – what does it matter?

It matters to me. Here’s why.  When I was seventeen, I kissed someone else’s boyfriend at a party.  It was a terrible thing to do, I guess.  They had only been going out for a few weeks – and I made a play for him because I fancied him.  That was the bottom line.  I thought that my attraction to him was just as valid as a boy’s attraction to a girl.  I was wrong.  Somehow, by making my feelings known and kissing him, I was now a slut.  He was truly gentlemanlike and said it was all his fault.  It was he who had kissed me.  Lovely Nick.  But it wasn’t.  I kissed him.  Because I wanted to.  The Monday morning, after the Saturday night, was hell.  I still remember the walk in to school and Sarah, his girlfriend, surrounded by all her friends by the lockers.  One of them called me a slut to my face.  We did things more honestly back then.  It blew over within a matter of days, thanks to Nick stepping up and being a good boyfriend.

I find the whole 17 year old maelstrom tiresome.  I find it outrageous – it is girls who get it in the neck, as always.  There is an unsaid morality that girls are to blame – why?  Because girls should be pure?  Because girls should know better?  It’s Victorian in its outlook all right.

But watching the girl this morning, I realised that we all have a responsibility to defuse it.  My girl is right – not caring about it all is the best way.  But we can do more.  We can decide not to fuel the fire.  We can decide to actively put it out.  Encourage our daughters to be their best person. As mothers – we can be kind and decent and set the example of being our best person too. Open our homes up to all the teens and ask them to lie on the grass here and talk to each other.

Realise that just because it’s there, you don’t have to watch the youtube video.  You can be kind. You can be in the world. You can simply be elsewhere, enjoying life.

I’m a marxist

I’m a marxist, but the Groucho kind.  I didn’t say it: a Parisian revolutionary did, in 1968.  It’s very apt.  I have found it very difficult to understand what I think about politics at the moment.  Laughing about the Labour party seems to be the only thing to do.

It seems to me that there are three issues.  First, the robust opposition of the government position on any policy.  Second, what will happen to the Labour party?  Third, social media and national media’s role in it all.  My problems seem to lie with the third issue.

Everyone – and that is EVERYONE seems to have an opinion – on everything.  This is a good thing, I’m sure it is.  But having an opinion is not necessarily the same as having an informed opinion.  So often when I’m talking to people on the street or at a party, I am struck by the rehashing of an opinion from one editorial or another, as if offering up an opinion because it has been published is good enough.  Someone’s opinion formed by experience and real thought, I value.  Hearing the editorial of the Telegraph or the Observer from two days ago is boring and doesn’t inform my view.  When people spout it onto their Facebook status, as they often did during the Remain/Brexit vote and its aftermath, it becomes tiresome.

Ascertainable information, that’s where we need to start.  This leads me to my first issue.  I love Jeremy Corbyn.  I love what he is trying to do.  I love that he is setting out to change the way that politics works, and that he is for everything I want – nuclear disarmament, renationalisation of the railways, anti-austerity among other things.  I think that this is a movement that used to be idealistic and is now hope that could become reality.  But – and this is a big but.  It is a movement.  And a movement is different from government.  When you are the major party of the opposition, you are part of the government, as far as our constitution is concerned.  Every shadow cabinet member is appointed to forensically examine what the government is doing and to question their policies.  That is what the opposition is for.

When Jeremy Corbyn stood up for his first PMQs and decided to do things differently by asking questions that were tweeted to him, he was simply undermining the very people he has said he is representing – you and I.  Our constitution is a beautiful ecosystem where the government and its opposition interweaves like ivy growing on an old tree.  If the ivy becomes too strong, the tree dies.  If the ivy is cut back too much, the tree buckles.  Each has a role to play.  The word ‘robust’ is the legalistic term used for law made well – a robust constitution is one where the government has put forward good law which is challenged well by the opposition.  I go on like this because…well, under Corbyn…you see where I’m going?  This has failed to happen so far.  He has his own opinions and his own agenda. If he fails to challenge and if he fails to lead his party because they don’t want him, well how do we hold an increasingly powerful Tory government to account?

And what will happen to the Labour party? Whichever way its going, it needs to get stronger soon.  Corbyn is a Jesus Christ figure – yes, I know it’s someone else’s opinion, but I tend to agree with it.  He has begun a movement similar to a religion.  His most vociferous supporters love his humility, his persecution – they love that photo of him being hauled off from outside the South African embassy, and conveniently forget that while he was protesting, people like Peter Hain were also protesting and doing more within government.  Corbyn never agreed with the party whip if he didn’t want to, and voted against the Labour party more times than David Cameron.  Calling people ‘Blairite scum’ is madness – people who were the first to sit down with the IRA and get the Good Friday agreement passed are not scum.  Are you saying Mo Mowlam was ‘scum’??! It’s madness.  Yes, the Iraq war.  Yes, Blair and his millions and his Murdoch godfather years and his weird Steve Bell-style rictus grin.  But ‘scum’?  Corbyn has actively encouraged this dissension and vitriol simply by being someone who does politics by disagreement and protest, rather than by the normal channels.  Let’s look at it another way – if he sweeps to power and every policy he has is enacted, what will opposition to Corbyn look like?  How will he get through his policies if he does not use the constitution and the laws and the regulatory methods of our parliamentary system?  Because the point is – how do you change things within your laws if you aren’t willing to use the proper channels?  To win the argument, you’ve got to be at the table, just as Mo Mowlam was, just as Peter Hain was.

I don’t want to vote for Owen Smith, because I don’t think he is experienced or even that clever.  I don’t want to vote for Jeremy Corbyn.  I would like to see Yvette Cooper or someone like her, forensically interrogating every decision Theresa May makes.  What are the chances?

Eventually, there’s always a bigger dinosaur.  The ending of ‘Jurassic Park’ is what I’m talking about.  The little dinosaurs chase the children and you’re squirming in your seat and the kids run out into the foyer, and just as they’re about to be eaten and everything is going down the toilet – the T-Rex eats the little dinosaurs.  It happened to the Tories: the little dinosaurs, Cameron and Osborne chased the children, and when they were killed off, for a moment or two, Boris and Gove tried their hand at teasing us all.  But the big dinosaur that is – the people – got rid of them.  Corbyn thinks he’s the big dinosaur.  What he forgets is – this is Britain.  We don’t like people who think they’re saviours.  We like to laugh at people like that.  Corbyn and Smith are just the little dinosaurs.  Something else will happen.  Remarkable things always happen.  If that means the Labour party re-configures, so be it.  We need an opposition.  Something will give.  Until then, let’s all enjoy laughing at them all.  It’s all we can do.

Crystal necklace

I am walking around the Shambles market in Stroud on a Friday morning.  It is a little piece of the past, this market: book stalls selling Orwell marked in shillings and pence and a series of illustrated ‘Life of the greats’ – Goethe and Victor Hugo, both of which I avidly study and realise that I have practically no room left in my life, due to filling my head with the details of someone’s life who I’ve met twice and am now friends with on Facebook.  Also, my Aniston fascination (mainly – will I ever be that thin again?).  There’s a man who puts out two giant cardboard boxes full to the brim with old and new watch straps, the matching pairs rubber banded together.  Behind him, he’s selling various vintage gowns including a flowery terry towelling zippered dress in blues and greens and yellows that all my friends’ mothers wore on the beaches of the seventies when it never rained and the sun seemed to sit above our heads like a beautiful wish come true.

This stall sells old jewellery too.  He has a fold out wooden jewellery presentation case which is lined with faded maroon velvet, and on it is pinned the costume jewellery of the past five decades.  Hanging closer to him on silver racks are crystal necklaces, each marked up with white cardboard labels.  Most say ‘1930s’ – the costume jewellery of that time is stunning.  The beads are either facet cut or polished, in different sizes.  Many are clear glass, some have the rainbow tones of magpie wing feathers, some are amber, yellow, blue.  My grandmother always wore a crystal necklace – three stranded, with a rainbow tinge to the clear facets, the clasp 1920s in its style: art deco-ish.  I see one, and think of buying it.  But what for?  I’ll never wear it.  Taking it off its hook and handling it makes me ineffably sad.  I almost tear up.

My grandmother was fearsome: a sturdy, 1930s type woman, the sort of woman that comedians like Groucho Marx or Abbott and Costello would laugh at.  They had bosoms, rather than breasts, like the helm of ships.  They made pronouncements about the state of the world in the butchers’ line.  They carried umbrellas at all times, often under their arms like army Majors.  On a Sunday, my grandmother, Hilda Millicent – cousin/Aunty Millie to her family – would dress in a Broderie Anglaise sari blouse, and a silk sari, normally in a muted colour: often deep grey or pinky brown. And always a three stranded crystal necklace, and a dab of Eau de Cologne 4711. She would put on her good leather slippers and sally forth into the hot Sri Lankan day, using a beautifully delicate umbrella as a parasol to protect her from the sun’s rays.  On one of our trips to Sri Lanka when I was eleven, I remember driving to church on a Sunday morning, and seeing her walking down the street, on her way to the same place, and crying out excitedly – there she is, there she is!  But my parents told the driver to drive on.  She liked to walk.  It would complicate our lives and hers to stop, I think they presumed.

She was formidable, but she was also tender and kind and shy of us as we got older and visited her in Sri Lanka, talking with our London accents and throwing our large limbed bodies around in a forward, brash manner.  She taught me everything that I love: to read, to garden, to touch children’s heads with a full hand in order to still them and comfort them, to cook the food children like when they feel miserable, to squat down when talking to someone small, how to sew, how to draw and paint, how to pull a carrot intact, how to walk along next to someone without speaking, how to show love.

Touching the necklace in the market is electric because its cold.  I was never allowed to hold my grandmother’s crystal necklace or undo the clasp or do it up again.  I would touch the necklace around her neck perhaps once or twice in my life, and it was warm with the heat of her, and then my hand would be taken away.  In the market I don’t undo the clasp but trace it with my fingers: she died when I was sixteen, and even now I cannot open it.  Even now, I’m not allowed.


Unbuilding the walls

I’m talking to my dry stone waller. We have one this week. Our wall is going higher, to protect us from the autumn and winter winds. When we first arrived, we put in willow withy fencing, which, within five years, blew down. It leaves us very naked – sitting in the garden in the summer without fencing means every passerby sees us and hears our often expletive-laden conversations.

Martin, the dry stone waller, is a craftsman who was apprenticed for seven years, he says. He’s from a large Irish family and can tell some stories: occasionally, I think there may be an element of truth to them. We’re talking about bankers. He bloody hates bankers, he says. They cause wars. They cause everything that’s bad about the world. Bankers are the worst of us, Rosa, he says. He calls me Rosa because that’s what he calls me. I say – I used to work for the European Bank of Reconstruction and Development a long time ago. I thought it would be different: I thought they would somehow prioritise things differently. But they didn’t. I’m not surprised, he says. I’m not surprised. He stares off into the middle distance.  His phone rings. Some neighbours drive up, so I have to get the dogs inside the gate. I’m in my dressing gown still and a runner runs past and gives me a grin. I watch his finely turned calves take the hill. His pink Tshirt is contour-shaded with sweat. I’m not sure, but I think he may have winked at me. The lies we tell ourselves.

Martin, when I go back to finish our conversation, shows me the case to his new iphone. It’s as big and clunky as my own. He says that he’s terrible with phones: last phone, last job, he heard the phone ringing and couldn’t find it, then realised he’d built it into the wall. He’d had to unpack the wall to find it. I am only half listening. I am feeling guilty. I am feeling the stories we tell each other – deeper these days. Each time I say one of those facts like ‘I used to work for the European Bank of Reconstruction and Development’, I think of the actualité of the verité.

I was working in the city, mainly for legal firms, during the nineties. It was a febrile time, full of money and it seemed, sex, alcohol, boastfulness, women with bright lipstick on their mouths permanently, men in shirts that looked like they were made of table linen and silk ties that were plump like buttonhole roses, often pink or yellow or sky blue. People were unreasonable in their demands. The work was hard – paralegal work mainly involved complex deal documents on mergers and acquisitions, currency swaps involving amounts of money a normal person couldn’t fathom, and therefore, the language and ideas around the deals became unfathomable too. That word ‘fathom’ is so accurate, because money like that becomes like oceans, lapping at a rickety wooden ship, and each plump tied lawyer a bosun on the ship assuring the captain that what they are doing is manageable and easy, when they are floating above water that has no fathomable depth.

I had two little children. I worked nights in order to bring them up during the day – my husband was still training, so I earned more and did more at home too, as is the way of things. I was becoming burned out toward the end of the second year, when living on coffee and sugar became an untenable situation. The younger child became school age, and so I was able to take a day job, and juggle after school clubs and childminders who picked up from school. I worked as a paralegal for a while, then got on with sending my CV out to every agency who would have me. I was offered many jobs, some paying brilliantly. I went to many interviews. The job I took was as the PA to the head of something on the trading floor.   I remember his name was Marcus and he had Germanic chiselled cheekbones and navy blue eyes. He was a man who you imagined captained well, who seemed to look out to the horizon a lot. My first day, he introduced me around the trading floor – a large, expensive, open plan office with banks of computers next to each other and men and women staring hard at screens while talking into curly tailed phones. It didn’t look as feverish as some banks I had worked at – in my summers at university, I had worked on the trading floors of Shearson Lehman, and boy, were those high octane days. This place was calm and dare I say it? Dignified.

One man, who I swear was Steven Berkoff working undercover to learn a part, was hostile. He was German. He didn’t like me, straight off. He asked me for something the first day – again, no idea what, just information. It was a really long time ago. But I wasn’t able to furnish him with the answer. I was still fiddling about with pencil holders and sign ins on the computer and having a back and forth with human resources about whether my pay could be paid in pounds not Euros, please. The Steven Berkoff sent Marcus the boss an email, copied to the trading floor team, about my incompetence. It was my second day there. One of the kids was ill. I walked off the job. I called the agency and told them to get me out of there. I never went back.

Marcus called over and over again. The messages on the answerphone at first started off arrogant and angry. How dare I walk off? Did I know how unprofessional this was? Then, they became plaintive – could I not just call once, in order to talk it through? He could iron out any difficulties… The last message simply said – he’d heard about the email. He wanted to apologise. Please pick up the phone, I need to tell you how sorry I am. I couldn’t. It wasn’t anything he needed to apologise for. I was incompetent. I accepted that, and I left.

I feel the guilt of saying I worked there now. It’s a nice thing to say. But it’s like I heard a phone ringing in a wall I built, this morning, when I said it. I needed to take the wall down, find the phone, answer it. I wished at the time, that I had taken the phone call and let Marcus apologise. But I’m glad I didn’t now. It’s not important, what I felt. What’s important I suppose is, if I claim that I worked there, I should also addenda the claim with a note that says ‘for two days’. But for those two days, it was rather beautiful to sail along on that ocean, walking quietly through the beauty of the building and sitting in the glass walled office looking out to the horizon, knowing somehow I belonged to the money and the business of money.  But Martin is right.  Bankers are terrible people.  But aren’t we all?  Aren’t we all.